More Karma

After last nights little incident when The Owner was on his hands and knees behind the door I have done my best to behave in case he puts two and two together and works out my involvement in his misfortune. He finished his washing of the floor with what looked suspiciously like car wash and wax to me and our world settled down into our usual rhythm for the evening. This morning was one of those mornings when I was unusually desperate for a wee when he came grumbling down the stairs. Normally all that is required is a quick wee up the bush just outside the back door and a quick sidestep to avoid The Owner's shoe as he hurls it from the back door because he thinks I ought not to be weeing on a bush so close to the door. Then rush back indoors and bounce around a lot whilst he puts my food in my dish. This morning a little more was required and so I ventured a little further into the garden and had a proper wee. This unfortunately gave The Owner time to get bored waiting for my return and so he threw the contents of my measuring beaker into my food dish. My food dish, being stainless steel, has a certain ring about it when my dried food lands in it. This sound carries quite a way, so I could hear it up the garden where I was gainfully employed in weeing on the clothes prop. The excitement was building, but I couldn't stop in mid flow could I? So as soon as the pressure was relieved enough to be bearable I commenced my charge. Across the lawn... past the raspberry canes..... round the tree... easing off the accelerator enough to check that the back door was open this time and unencumbered by The Owner washing the floors and then full throttle for the back door. Yay! Through the door.... it was here where it all went horribly wrong for me. I was right in my assumption, it was car shampoo and wax he had been using on the floors last night. Waxed floors do not work well with K9 duvet beds and K9's at high speed! Well I missed my food dish as I went straight past it sliding on my duvet in a kind of Aladdinesque moment. The Owner seemed somewhat surprised too as he stood there putting some tea in the pot and caught sight of me whizzing past in a very undignified manner. I have noticed that when they do this kind of thing in the films it always looks very controlled and cool. However real life seems something of a bitch when it comes to looking cool as I slid behind the fridge and out of sight. The Owner was his usual epitome of sympathy and understanding and without looking up just said "While you're behind there Jack can you check for cobwebs?" I recovered my composure, removed the cobweb from my nose and made my way back to look for my breakfast. I will be in the new calf sheds if anyone want me!!!

Karma

I am loving this karma thing! I often work hard to achieve  just a little retribution for some of The Owners unkinder acts or comments and yet karma seems to do it for me and I don't get the blame! Well....... not as much as I could have done anyway. Today I have discovered that The Owner has been having a bit of a laugh at my expense all these years and I was a tad miffed to be honest. It seems that calling me Jack Labrador GD(failed) is not a mark of merit, but rather, one of The Owner's twisted jokes at my expense which I have unwittingly encouraged. I have spent the late afternoon wishing his leg would fall off as I plotted my revenge. We left the studio and wandered home relatively grumble free for The Owner. Just a few grumbles about potholes in the road, inconsiderate drivers, noisy tractors on the fields and the cost of turkey at Sainsbugs. Actually now I see it written down it was just a normal grumbly journey. As dinner was imminent I shelved my plans for retribution until later. When we got back to the cottage The Owner fed me which was nice and I had really forgotten about getting my own back as he opened the back door to let me go for a quick patrol of the perimeter. By the time I return normally he is busying himself lighting the fire so I was undeterred when the door was pushed a little bit shut. Although to be honest it is normally wide open to welcome me back in, but tonight I thought nothing of it as I hurtled onwards towards the partly closed door. At the last moment I launched with my front paws outstretched and hit the back door open..... although it didn't give way in quite the manner I had anticipated.  In fact, it barely gave way at all to be honest and I felt a fairly large bump on the other side of the door as it clearly had met an unmovable object........The Owner! Well how was I to know he had decided to wash the floors behind the door this evening. I mean, he isn't due to do that for another six months!! I returned to the garden for a while and by the time he picked himself up and looked out I was nowhere to be seen so he has blamed the wind for his misfortune which is fine by me. When I felt it safe to return he was on the phone to NHS Direct trying to get treatment for a "skull compression injury" that he hasn't got! I suspect he must be on a list of malingerers or something as she was having none of it from what I could make out, although he has threatened to take this up with "The highest possible authority". If I was his MP I would keep a low profile tomorrow. He tried Buckingham Palace the last time and was politely but firmly told that Her Majesty didn't do that sort of thing. Still, I think I may have got away with it.... for now. Karma rocks!!!

The Lab Reports

Coming soon to a letter box near you!!

Nearly finished it!!!!

The Power Shower

Well what a morning we have had at the new cottage! The Owner has been very industrious after a trip to B&Q. I like going to B&Q because there is a burger van there and Burger Van Hoomun always gives me a sausage when The Owner isn't looking. So we have developed a sort of routine, The Owner and I, for the use of, when going to B&Q. We get there and park the car, we both get out. We make our way towards the shop doors, (which I have got a little more used to now and am not quite so disturbed by them opening on their own) and I stop for a wee up one of the big posts at the front designed to stop little old ladies from ram raiding B&Q. Well thats what The Owner says they're for anyway and they must work as I have never seen any old lady, large or small, try and ram raid B&Q! Anyway, if I make a bit of a meal of it and spend ages weeing up the post The Owner loses patience and wanders in on his own and leaves me to follow when I have finished. As soon as he has gone inside I rush across to the burger van and sit and wait until a sausage is launched from the dark recesses from within the burgervan. Sausage chomped, I make my way into the shop to find The Owner. The good thing about this little ruse is that if The Owner is feeling peckish, which he often is, on the way out I get another sausage. But not today, I was barely into the shop when I saw The Owner come struggling up the aisle with a trolley with a very large box on it and loads of interesting looking things that I needed to have a sniff at. He managed to get through the checkouts without a shouting match with Manager Hoomun, mainly because Manager Hoomun went off on an important errand to the other end of the store when he saw The Owner approaching the tills. He was soon heading off across the car park with a certain sense of purpose about him. Back home, these very expensive boxes appear to have come with a free power shower. I don't know for certain what a power shower is but it sounds very important. I never understand why they never give him two allen keys in these boxes, one to drop and lose, and the second to do the job with. In this case it was dropped down the plug hole in the bath. I watched with great intent as things were drilled, screwed cut and cursed at, as the power shower appears to have morphed into a white plastic box on the wall with a slightly lopsided demeanour and a hose coming out of the bottom which appears to have a big kink in it. I was watching this thinking to myself he shouldn't be having a kink in that pipe like that. But what do I know? After coffee (and Bonios, had I mentioned that I like Bonios?) the grand ceremony of the turning back on of the water was carried out. Much to The Owners surprise, and mine, there were no leaks which there would normally be when he starts plumbing jobs. He was feeling very pleased with himself and immediately poured himself a large sherry by way of celebration. Then came the grand switching on ceremony and The Owner reached in and pressed a pad on the shower and stepped back smartly. There were noises from within but I guess he was expecting to see water come from somewhere at this point. Well he wouldn't with a kink in the hose like that would he?? The Owner opted to turn up the water a bit which produced a small trickle from the shower head and even more noises from within the white plastic box on the wall. So the pressure was turned up further. More noises, getting louder, still no water. So he turned the water pressure up full and climbed in to the shower to investigate. Now I am only a K9 (with breeding) but I am thinking that this might not have been his best move so far today. He would have been far better off turning it all off and removing the kink in the hose. But what do I know. With the noises inside the power shower reaching a crescendo there was a very loud bang from the power shower and a little plastic pellet from the pressure relief valve shot out of the bottom of the white plastic box on the wall, hit the bath, then the mirror and then made contact with the back of The Owners head as a great deluge of water followed it and filled up The Owners work boots. Water turned off. we are now on our way back to B&Q to get another power shower and presumably have an argument with Manager Hoomun about "products not fit for purpose" and of course forgetting the kink in the hose. I can't help but wonder if that, coupled with The Owners general ineptitude in matters of plumbing might be a logical answer and not some oversight in the design and manufacture of the product. But I do at least get a second shot at the burger van so I am hopeful of a second sausage.

Posh Lady Client Came.... and Went

I have kept a very low profile ever since the whole fish flavoured olive oil incident. I thought it for the best. You may recall The Owner went out for the day and left me behind, and he smelled funny. In the meantime I had found somewhere to roll, on the ground where he normally keeps his recycling tins and there appeared to be a contaminant in the shape of fishy flavoured olive oil which I did not enjoy and even a roll in badger poo did nothing to reduce the effect. A snooze on the sofa that I am not allowed on did little to make me feel better either. Right that brings you up to date. 

We have two living rooms, one is upstairs, and this has bean bags which I am not allowed on either but I can report that they are very comfortable. So I reasoned that he would never know if I had a quick snooze up there. This fish flavoured olive oil was really becoming a problem for me and I found that the bean bag did little to relieve the effects. What I needed was a blanket, that may help a little, or........ a duvet!!!! That would do it! And his bedroom door is open!!! He will never know, I thought. It worked! I felt much better and returned downstairs for a proper snooze feeling very much better.

It was getting dark and cold in the cottage when I heard the heating come on and then a familiar sound as I hear The Owner come wandering up the side path. But I can also hear another voice too, it is Posh Lady Client Hoomun! So that's where he has been all day! If I am lucky she may have forgotten the whole silage liquor thing and give me a Bonio. She laughs like a donkey I think, smells a bit like one too. So The Owner breezes through the back door with hardly a word in my direction even though I was doing my best ever "pleased to see you home" bounce. He casually threw some of my food in my dish, grabbed two glasses and a bottle of wine which as far as I can tell was one of his expensive ones that he normally shows everyone before opening the cheap stuff to give to them and then disappeared upstairs with Posh Lady Client Hoomun. Why am I getting this feeling of foreboding? I hid! There was much guffawing up there from The Owner, and donkey laughter from Posh Lady Client Hoomun and then I heard the bedroom door open (I only need a crack in the door to get through, hoomuns need much more width). The laughter and braying continued for a few seconds before there was silence. It lasted for a few more seconds although it seemed much longer, when in unison I heard The Owner roar and Posh Lady Client Hoomun scream. Hmmm, they found out I had been on the bed then! Posh Lady Client stomped out of the bedroom and I heard her flop on the bean bag. A short silence and then more screaming. I was hiding behind the sofa when they came back down the stairs like a herd of cows in the dairy yard all squabbling and pushing to get into the milking parlour first. She flopped down on the sofa whilst she dragged he coat on and then jumped up quick and looked at the sofa, strangely close to where I had spent most of the day. I am getting the vibe here that hoomuns don't enjoy fishy flavoured olive oil either. Posh Lady Client Hoomun saw me peeking out from behind the sofa and called me "A beastly dog!" before running out of the cottage with The Owner hot on her heals in the closest thing I have ever heard from him to an apology. He returned alone a few minutes later, looking disconsolate. 

From the look on his face as he set about scrubbing the furniture and changing the beds I get the feeling we may not be seeing Posh Lady Client Hoomun here for a while. Well I didn't like the way she laughed anyway. But I did think it best to stay out of the way for a while.

Fishy Flavoured Olive Oil

Does anyone have any magic remedies for removing vegetable oil from K9 fur? I have a small problem and I don't think I am going to get much help in this department from him indoors. When he gets back. He went off earlier this morning dressed up in his suit, smelling funny and at great pains to keep me away from his suit which has just returned from the cleaners after my last attempts at accessorising it with the odd bit of dribble and dogs hair. He was also singing a lot which is always worrying. Yesterday was recycling day and there were loads of black boxes outside of gates up and down the village and to be honest I nearly ran out of wee! But not quite, so all worked out well. Everybody has black boxes with lids, except The Owner, who does have a black box, but also a green box with holes in the bottom to let water and other extraneous substances run through. Now his green box is what he keeps all his tins in. Tins, unless properly cleaned, dribble all kinds of things and as The Owner can be a little lacking in such matters from time to time, these all kinds of things tend to dribble out of the holes in the bottom of his green box. Come recycling day the area of grass where the green box is kept is always worth having a bit of a sniff and a lick. As normal, last night the green box was left down by the gate and not retrieved and put back where it belongs. This is normal and he waits until I have wee'd up it a few times or until someone in the village frowns very loudly at him. So today I have been left unsupervised whilst he has gone swanning off to heaven knows where so after I had enjoyed a good sniff and a lick at the grass where the green box is kept a brainwave hit me! Maybe I could roll in it too!!!!! So I did. Rolling in fishy olive oil is not to be recommended (unless you are a fish getting into a tin I suppose), it clogs the fur terribly and even a roll in a good dollop of badger poo hasn't got rid of the smell or the sensation of fishy flavoured olive oil. I clambered up on the sofa that I am not allowed on and tried to rub it all off on there but it is no better. I may try his bed later if I can get no relief from it all. I wonder where he has gone?

The Silage Clamp

The Owner's not speaking to me this morning but that is normal, neither is Posh Lady Client Hoomun which is a shame coz she normally gives me a Bonio. Had I mentioned that I am partial to the odd Bonio? Makes no difference really as I fear it may be a while before he forgets about this one. 

It is Sunday morning here and this is a good excuse to get out and about early in case he feels inspired to throw me in the bath when he has finished with it. He was also very busy around the cottage quite early, tidying and dusting, and that was another reason to go off on an early patrol because what follows tidying and dusting? Yes, the ruddy Dyson is dragged out of its lair. So I chased around the fields and found loads of things to sniff and loads of things to wee up or over. I was running a bit short in the wee department so made my way towards the farm to take on more water to finish the job before heading back to the cottage to see how The Owner was getting on. That was when I found it. Well really it found me to be honest. There was a thin crust of ice across a large puddle round the back of the silage clamp and I thought I would just run straight across. Even if the ice wouldn't hold me it wouldn't be deep enough to worry me. Well it didn't hold me and it was deep enough to worry me and it wasn't water! It was belly deep (that is a K9 unit of measurement) in silage liquor! Now this stuff is quite pungent to be fair but I am not averse to such things and decided to give it a try. Shoulder down.... going well...... and...... ROLL! Yay!!!! I must go and show The Owner this one! Off I went at a gallop back to the cottage. When I got there The Owner was slurping politely at his coffee with Posh Lady Client Hoomun and discussing "things" in an unusually polite manner for him. That did seem to change quite rapidly as he reverted to type and started using words I pretend not to understand and holding his nose a lot. Posh Lady Client Hoomun also started using some very similar words which surprised me a little as she always seemed very polite to me. She usually makes a big thing about giving me a Bonio but I got the distinct vibe I wasn't going to getting one today as I tried to get on to the settee in my excitement. The Owner dragged me off in a very undignified manner and put me in the shed to await my fate whilst he went back into the cottage to deal with Posh Lady Client Hoomun. He offered her a sponge and a bowl of warm water to "get rid of the worst of it" although I preferred to think of it as the best of it. How come she gets a sponge and warm water when all I get is a hose pipe and a yard broom?? 

Well, that was an hour ago now and I have just been hosed and yard broomed. The Owner has tried to clear up what he called "Your Mess!" Actually he used another of those, no, several of those words that I pretend not to understand when saying that. However I think the cottage smells rather nice now. The Owner, on the other hand, seems to still think otherwise. I am not sure why Posh Lady Client Hoomun left without giving me a Bonio but I get the feeling it will be a while before she gives me another.