I Have a New Bestest Friend

Yesterday Milk Tanker Hoomun managed to annihilate another dollop of badger poo that was showing promise down on the road. On the walk to the studio there it was, as fresh as you like, went back on a solo patrol... there it was flatter than one of those poppadoms that The Owner manages to shatter all over the carpet when he has an Indian meal delivered. After the sun had been on it for a while it was just as crispy too. So when Milk Tanker Hoomun arrived this morning to collect milk from the dairy, I felt the need to go and remonstrate with him over the matter. A swift nip in the fetlocks ought to do it I thought. But when I got to the tanker he appeared out of his cab with a Bonio!! For me!!! He can do just whatever he likes to any badger poo he wants to from now on. He has now been upgraded to my bestest friend! Tomorrow I will try my luck for one of his sandwich crusts too!

Tanker Driver Hoomun and the Badger Poo

This morning The Owner excelled himself in the "forgetting the glasses" stakes. We got all the way to work and got the computer switched on before squinting at the screen forced him to realise that things were not right. He then started patting himself down to see which pocket they weren't in. The answer soon became apparent, they weren't in all of his pockets! 

We have new badgers in the area these last few days, I have heard them snuffling around on the lawn at night. The Owner has noticed the effects too when he wanders out to "take the first fresh breath of morning" when he lets me out, and discovers the lawn resembling, in no small way, the battlefields of The Somme! The benefit for me came this morning on our wander in to the studios when I happened to notice not just one, but several dollops of fresh poo on the road and on the track up to the studio. Excellent, I thought! So I marked that down for a bit of poo rolling later in the day when The Owner wasn't with me. 

Glasses discovered missing we had to wander back to the new cottage to retrieve them, but in the meantime Tanker Driver Hoomun had arrived to collect the milk from the dairy. Well I am forming a somewhat negative opinion of him! He drove right over all the poo and spread it out so thinly there was no benefit to be had from a quick roll! He has immediately gone on my list of people to be mistrustful of!

Stinky Labs

After the last twenty four hours I am developing a somewhat less than charitable opinion of The Owner to be honest and I shall be turning my back on him until, at the earliest, coffee time. Or later, if he doesn't pay a visit to my Bonio bucket! Yesterday we had a visit from one of his friends, she came bearing wine which is always a bad start to any evening.... and a sausage..... which has made The Owner smell funny this morning! This visitor we shall refer to as Lady Black Lab Hoomun. Mainly because she came with Lady Black Lab and I immediately forgot any past allegiance to Lady Chocolate Lab who I haven't seen for some while. Since I wee'd on her Hoomuns hand bag, now I think about it! So The Owner and Lady Black Lab Owner sat in the garden at the new cottage drinking wine, laughing lots and doing hoomun stuff. But, Lady Black Lab smelled reeeeeeaaaaaally good and was remarkably receptive to my advances. I started with a little lick of her ear, well actually it was more of a lot of licking of her ear to be fair and it did get quite soggy. But that seemed to be deserving of a whack across the nose apparently. So I sat down behind The Owner's seat and then slid through on my belly to try again which apparently warranted a flick of the heel in the general direction of my nose again. The tally was roughly two licks to one reprimand so it was generally worth it I think. This morning I was hopeful of a quick patrol of the garden and a lick of the grass where she had been sitting but HE, The Owner, has been reading yesterdays Sunday paper and read another article which used the term "Stinky Labs"!!! After much fidgeting on his part he jumped up and went to the bathroom, I assumed for his morning ablutions. Then came the cry, "Jack, come on. it's bahfies time!" You see what is going on here don't you? He spelled it differently and that created just enough confusion in my mind to be duped into walking into the bathroom and straight into the trap.... which was sprung.... and I had no hope of escape. I'll give him Head and ruddy Shoulders! When I got out of there, covered in suds seeing as you asked, he had whisked away my comfy cushion and my duvet and the washing machine was purring with apparent contempt and I was sure it was grinning at me in a mocking fashion! This all upset my morning so much I forgot to go and have a lick of the grass where Lady Black Lab had been sitting! I will wait for coffee time and see whether he goes to my Bonio bucket before I decide whether to forgive him or not.

My Bad Start to the Morning

I am feeling a little delicate this morning and, as The Owner was part of all of it, I think I will blame him and so I am turning my back on him for the day. 

Early this morning The Owner arose from his pit and grumbled his way down the stairs. He clearly was not thinking, as instead of letting me out and then giving me my breakfast, he rushed to the loo with a certain sense of urgency about him. First came the satisfied sigh of relief as he had his wee and then the now customary singing at full volume "Stand and deliver...." followed by a raucus botty burp with such force it ought to sting. Feeling pleased with his musical and percussive efforts he went to open the back door to let me out. Well, I have needs as well, and I needed them with some urgency too! So with door cracked open enough for the nose to exit, I started my charge. I forgot the door opened inwards and I only managed to squash my nose between the door and the radiator. The Owner was clearly having a good start to his day and was laughing at me and winking in mockery at my squint acquired from the incident. Now the observant among you will have noted that our bathroom is now downstairs in our new cottage, so when The Owner takes himself off for his morning visit, with his newspaper under his arm, I am left outside the bathroom door. Now, in the K9 world you can tell a lot about someone from having a good sniff at what they "leave behind" and it has been very revealing about The Owner I can tell you! If I lay down and stuff my nose against the crack between the door and the floor I can have a good old sniff. But The Owner reckons it puts him off and takes great exception to me sniffing loudly under the door. So this morning he goes in and I begin my loud sniffs under the door. He clearly hadn't started the process and opened the door sharply. Now, not only do I have a squint caused by the door earlier, I also have a tender nose and there are nose skid marks on the floor outside the bathroom. I feel sure he is behind all my discomfort and I will be spending the day with my back to him in protest. Change that, he has gone to my biscuit barrel. I think I quite like him again!

Meet The Owner

This needs no introduction nor explanation from me, I think.

My Very Important Meeting

Yesterday was a very important day for me, I went to a meeting! The Owner came grumbling down the stairs early and then fell over the bottom step as is normal at our new cottage. Then he frowned at me very loudly and even waved his finger a little as he said "Now I want you on your best behaviour today Jack Labrador!" I always know it is serious when he calls me Jack Labrador. "You're coming with me to a meeting and I want no weeing up things, or burping in peoples faces or farting under the tables!". It was said in that manner which lead me to believe that I really ought to do as he asked. He put his very posh jacket on and selected my very posh lead and off we went. When we got to Swindon I kept my head down below the windows and particularly when we got the other side of Swindon as there are some very strange things go on there and they may have given me nightmares to be honest. After a very long way we arrived at this very posh place that had a man in a very silly hat at the front door. He told The Owner to get out of the car.... and that dog!!!!! I can see this is going to go downhill very rapidly with an attitude like that. Then Parking Yoof got in and drove The Owner's car away! I thought The Owner would have an opinion on the matter but he just smiled and turned and we walked inside. The first problem was shiny floors! I kept going over, in my mind, the list of things that The Owner told me I was not allowed to do. Just in case. Then Business Hoomun arrived and he made a fuss of me. Said he was pleased to meet "Someone of Breeding". I put it in quote marks to emphasise the sense of sarcasm that I was detecting in his voice. With coffee in hands, The Owner and Business Hoomun settled down and discussed important sounding things. After a while I got bored as I was unable to get any of the biscuits that were on the plate, so I did a little exploring of the neighbourhood. Imagine my surprise when I discovered a pond, inside! It was a big pond.... with fish in it! Well no one was in the pond so I reasoned I could do no harm so I jumped quietly in. Ok, so I did make a bit bigger splash than I had planned, but the hoomun with the funny hat was in a frightful paddy over something and on my second lap of the pond this big hand grabbed the scruff of my neck and hoisted me out. How undignified! Does he not know that I have breeding???? The Owner seemed less than impressed when he was asked to take "That Dog" and leave. Well, once you can forgive, but to be called "That Dog" twice, is just too much! So I wee'd up the reception desk as we left. I think his meeting must have been over anyway as we got in the car and headed for home, as the Hoomun with the funny hat kept shouting at us in a most uncharitable manner as we left the car park.

I hope we go to another meeting soon as I quite enjoyed the indoor ponds they have in those places!

A Visit to The Ford

I am in very deep doo doo and have been frowned at VERY loudly! 

Owners Daughter came up with Diesel Dog Daughter and their cousin MM Hoomun and we all went out in Owners Daughters car, with The Owner at the helm. It was all going swimmingly. We visited pubs, every one had to get out and push Owners Daughters car up a very steep hill. Except me that is, coz I have breeding and I don't do car pushing... and The Owner of course but that was just coz no one was brave enough to prize him away from the steering wheel. Then we got to a small stream which The Owner announced, in a very knowledgeable manner, that it was something called a Ford. Not sure why as it looked nothing like a car! Then Owners Daughter decided to take her shoes off and wander through the stream and that was where it all went downhill for me really. May I present the attached image as exhibit 1, in my defence. At the far end of the water were hoomuns..... and one of them smelled particularly of Bonio's..... and they looked friendly........and I was sat beside The Owner.......who took this picture. Well who in their right mind would want to go all the way round when you could go straight through?? Exactly! So I went straight through. And I felt that a bit of demented badger running, like I do for The Owner, would help in the process of getting a Bonio from those hoomuns. Well we did manage to dry Owners Daughters jeans out after an hour in the tumble dryer when we got her back to our new cottage. But then she grumbled quite a lot that they didn't fit her any more and that was somehow my fault too. Hoomuns!!!!