Having an Inspeckshun

Yesterday we had an inspeckshun at the new cottage! I have never had one of them before and was a little unsure of what to expect from it. We have now had the inspeckshun and to be honest I am still a little less than clear on what one of them is. For two days beforehand he has been plaguing me with that ruddy Dyson and a selection of buckets and mops. If it was shiny it has been mopped and if it was anything else then it was Dysonned. You can see my dilemma having both a a shiny nose and furry undercarriage but I managed to survive most of it. By teatime on the night before our inspeckshun even I could see the benefits of his efforts as the cottage and garden looked very nice and he flopped down on the settee with a glass of wine in one hand (and nothing in the other to be honest but I felt I ought to clarify that). One glass drank, he now has a bottle in the other hand and so another glass is poured and he was sat there eyeing up the remainder of the bottle when the boiler made its opinions known and started making some very strange noises. The Owner tried to ignore it but its opinions became louder and it started to make some very strange smells. The Owner went into the kitchen to investigate. Well I wasn't! I have never seen a boiler get into a paddy over anything and I was not sure what to expect. There was much swearing coming from the kitchen so I ventured to poke my nose around the corner and was somewhat alarmed to note that the boiler was wheezing black smoke and soot from every crack and fissure. The Owner went outside and spent a while looking up at the chimney which is where a lot of black snow seemed to be falling from. The evening was not going well! 

He tried to ignore it and concentrate on the matter in hand, his wine glass, but gave that up when his eyes were streaming so badly from the fumes that he looked like he had just watched an episode of DIY SOS. He gave in and turned the boiler off and in the morning Plumber Hoomun was summoned to give the boiler a stiff talking to. Plumber Hoomun brought in his vacuum cleaner which was not a ruddy Dyson, but he affectionately referred to it as Henry. So they must be friends (I thought). It got worse! Henry was about to be written off Plumber Hoomuns (and The Owners) Christmas card list as he burst his bag and sent clouds of black soot into the air only to settle on the kitchen floor, work surfaces and anything else which had a upward facing surface including me! With the air thick with soot, dust and profanities, there was a knock at the door and Inspeckshun Agent Hoomun turned up. The Owners day was going from bad to worse and although it was raining at the time he wandered off up the garden and sat under the tree on his bench with a mug of tea and left Inspeckshun Agent Hoomun and Plumber Hoomun to argue about the dust and soot in the new cottage. I did look through the door but the argument was still raging inside so I opted for the safer option and went and sat beside him in the garden. He was feeling a little subdued that afternoon which was ok as I did get an extra Bonio out of it, so the day turned out ok in the end. But I think I am in no particular hurry to understand inspeckshuns further!

The Scalded Fingers

This morning was an early start, particularly for a Sunday, and such things usually end badly for someone. Usually me as it happens! When The Owner hasn't had enough sleep his temper isn't at its best and then one of my little indiscretions unleashes much angst. I could have had no idea of the turn of events which would have resulted from this early rise on the the part of The Owner. It was well before Blackbird came and sat on the gutter above the porch door and starts shouting about his prowess in the lady department, when I heard the now customary descent of the stairs above me ending predictably with him missing the bottom step and joining the rack of DVDs at the foot of the stairs. Having recovered from his launch into the morning he came wandering through to let me out. I really must get the hang of this back door opening inwards! I am sure my head is getting a ridge down the side from my efforts at rushing through the door before it is quite open enough and squashing my head against the radiator. That was just the start of it and the only bit today which so far has involved me. He is on an economy drive again and although it is way before daylight, he doesn't put the kitchen lights on. He declares to any who will listen that "We didn't have electric lights in days gone by and managed then". I think he did have electric lights, but we won't argue that point here. I heard the tea caddy opened, then count the teaspoonfuls of tea... 1..... 2 ....3. All good so far. The kettle is starting to sing nicely above on the table then the sugar pot is opened, I hear him count out loud "..1......and a little bit because I am worth it". He then laughs gently at his own joke. It's going well. The kettle boils and lets out a loud click and he pours the water quickly into the pot and then fumbles around until he can find the lid to the teapot and put it on. Why doesn't he just turn the lights on??? Milk next; I hear the milk lid being unscrewed and slopped into the cup... long pause.....much swearing starts above me and I return to my bed where it is safe but I can still keep an eye on him. The tea leaves were put in the cup and he now has a teapot full of nothing but hot water! A second kettle was put on and his cup full of tea leaves, milk and sugar was poured down the sink and rinsed out ready for the next attempt. As the kettle was starting to get to it's crescendo he was trying to make sure he hadn't already put tea leaves into the pot already, so stuck his fingers in the teapot to make sure. Yes that would be the same pot which is already full of recently boiled water and hasn't yet been emptied! Why doesn't he just turn on the lights??? He is now, predictably, walking round with a hand so fully bandaged it looks as though he has got his hand stuck in a small white football! So far he has found no one to get any sympathy from, so I suspect there may be a trip to the pub at lunch time and I will try and find a way of escaping the embarrassment. How has he made it this far in life??

Owner's Daughter Used MY Laptop!!!

This evening Owners Daughter arrived at the studio and kicked me off the settee that I am allowed on. I feel it is me that should be putting my paws on my hips here. Well I am allowed on that one! I did forgive her almost immediately as she let me in her car and then put my dinner down for me. When The Owner arrived (eventually) we went to the pub by the canal. Now, I like canals! I was also hopeful of a splash in the canal but I would just like to say that if there's just one more reference to "stinky labs" I will officially be having a hump about it! Owners Daughter seemed to think it was a good idea to let me into the canal until The Owner said I would make her car smell of stinky labs. This I can tolerate, but when we got back to the New Cottage I wanted to write up my reports on my day, except Owners Daughter wanted to check her emails! Well hello!!!!! Exactly who's laptop is it anyway???

I Have a New Bestest Friend

Yesterday Milk Tanker Hoomun managed to annihilate another dollop of badger poo that was showing promise down on the road. On the walk to the studio there it was, as fresh as you like, went back on a solo patrol... there it was flatter than one of those poppadoms that The Owner manages to shatter all over the carpet when he has an Indian meal delivered. After the sun had been on it for a while it was just as crispy too. So when Milk Tanker Hoomun arrived this morning to collect milk from the dairy, I felt the need to go and remonstrate with him over the matter. A swift nip in the fetlocks ought to do it I thought. But when I got to the tanker he appeared out of his cab with a Bonio!! For me!!! He can do just whatever he likes to any badger poo he wants to from now on. He has now been upgraded to my bestest friend! Tomorrow I will try my luck for one of his sandwich crusts too!

Tanker Driver Hoomun and the Badger Poo

This morning The Owner excelled himself in the "forgetting the glasses" stakes. We got all the way to work and got the computer switched on before squinting at the screen forced him to realise that things were not right. He then started patting himself down to see which pocket they weren't in. The answer soon became apparent, they weren't in all of his pockets! 

We have new badgers in the area these last few days, I have heard them snuffling around on the lawn at night. The Owner has noticed the effects too when he wanders out to "take the first fresh breath of morning" when he lets me out, and discovers the lawn resembling, in no small way, the battlefields of The Somme! The benefit for me came this morning on our wander in to the studios when I happened to notice not just one, but several dollops of fresh poo on the road and on the track up to the studio. Excellent, I thought! So I marked that down for a bit of poo rolling later in the day when The Owner wasn't with me. 

Glasses discovered missing we had to wander back to the new cottage to retrieve them, but in the meantime Tanker Driver Hoomun had arrived to collect the milk from the dairy. Well I am forming a somewhat negative opinion of him! He drove right over all the poo and spread it out so thinly there was no benefit to be had from a quick roll! He has immediately gone on my list of people to be mistrustful of!

Stinky Labs

After the last twenty four hours I am developing a somewhat less than charitable opinion of The Owner to be honest and I shall be turning my back on him until, at the earliest, coffee time. Or later, if he doesn't pay a visit to my Bonio bucket! Yesterday we had a visit from one of his friends, she came bearing wine which is always a bad start to any evening.... and a sausage..... which has made The Owner smell funny this morning! This visitor we shall refer to as Lady Black Lab Hoomun. Mainly because she came with Lady Black Lab and I immediately forgot any past allegiance to Lady Chocolate Lab who I haven't seen for some while. Since I wee'd on her Hoomuns hand bag, now I think about it! So The Owner and Lady Black Lab Owner sat in the garden at the new cottage drinking wine, laughing lots and doing hoomun stuff. But, Lady Black Lab smelled reeeeeeaaaaaally good and was remarkably receptive to my advances. I started with a little lick of her ear, well actually it was more of a lot of licking of her ear to be fair and it did get quite soggy. But that seemed to be deserving of a whack across the nose apparently. So I sat down behind The Owner's seat and then slid through on my belly to try again which apparently warranted a flick of the heel in the general direction of my nose again. The tally was roughly two licks to one reprimand so it was generally worth it I think. This morning I was hopeful of a quick patrol of the garden and a lick of the grass where she had been sitting but HE, The Owner, has been reading yesterdays Sunday paper and read another article which used the term "Stinky Labs"!!! After much fidgeting on his part he jumped up and went to the bathroom, I assumed for his morning ablutions. Then came the cry, "Jack, come on. it's bahfies time!" You see what is going on here don't you? He spelled it differently and that created just enough confusion in my mind to be duped into walking into the bathroom and straight into the trap.... which was sprung.... and I had no hope of escape. I'll give him Head and ruddy Shoulders! When I got out of there, covered in suds seeing as you asked, he had whisked away my comfy cushion and my duvet and the washing machine was purring with apparent contempt and I was sure it was grinning at me in a mocking fashion! This all upset my morning so much I forgot to go and have a lick of the grass where Lady Black Lab had been sitting! I will wait for coffee time and see whether he goes to my Bonio bucket before I decide whether to forgive him or not.

My Bad Start to the Morning

I am feeling a little delicate this morning and, as The Owner was part of all of it, I think I will blame him and so I am turning my back on him for the day. 

Early this morning The Owner arose from his pit and grumbled his way down the stairs. He clearly was not thinking, as instead of letting me out and then giving me my breakfast, he rushed to the loo with a certain sense of urgency about him. First came the satisfied sigh of relief as he had his wee and then the now customary singing at full volume "Stand and deliver...." followed by a raucus botty burp with such force it ought to sting. Feeling pleased with his musical and percussive efforts he went to open the back door to let me out. Well, I have needs as well, and I needed them with some urgency too! So with door cracked open enough for the nose to exit, I started my charge. I forgot the door opened inwards and I only managed to squash my nose between the door and the radiator. The Owner was clearly having a good start to his day and was laughing at me and winking in mockery at my squint acquired from the incident. Now the observant among you will have noted that our bathroom is now downstairs in our new cottage, so when The Owner takes himself off for his morning visit, with his newspaper under his arm, I am left outside the bathroom door. Now, in the K9 world you can tell a lot about someone from having a good sniff at what they "leave behind" and it has been very revealing about The Owner I can tell you! If I lay down and stuff my nose against the crack between the door and the floor I can have a good old sniff. But The Owner reckons it puts him off and takes great exception to me sniffing loudly under the door. So this morning he goes in and I begin my loud sniffs under the door. He clearly hadn't started the process and opened the door sharply. Now, not only do I have a squint caused by the door earlier, I also have a tender nose and there are nose skid marks on the floor outside the bathroom. I feel sure he is behind all my discomfort and I will be spending the day with my back to him in protest. Change that, he has gone to my biscuit barrel. I think I quite like him again!