The Dog Flap

The Owner has found himself some new friends recently, hoomuns from a nearby farm. Except they don’t appear to do much farming, they seem to pontificate in a manner that The Owner seems to understand about farming life which seems, as far as I can understand, to have no bearing on the realities of farming. Even I know you don’t put poo in the ground, you spread it on your shoulders! They also have their own K9, a little funny looking thing they kept referring to as King Charles. This obviously gave him delusions of grandeur as he strutted about the place but he clearly had no breeding, unlike myself. Had I mentioned that I was born and trained on Lord Bath’s estate? Last night, enticed mainly by the promise of a bottle of vintage port for The Owner I suspect, we wandered down to their farm. As we walked up the lane to the house I was greeted by King Charles K9 who seemed to be far too excited about anything and everything and wanted the world to know just why. Do you see what I mean? Clearly no breeding! I did my best to ignore him for as long as I could but in the end I tried a tentative little bounce of playfulness which was responded to by King Charles K9, with an avalanche of playfulness. I resisted for as long as I could but before long we were chasing all around the farm buildings and through the farm house and it was quite good fun I thought. As the evening sun gave her last warmth to the air around us, King Charles K9’s owners closed the back door. “That is fine” I heard them say, “There is a dog flap in the back door!” I was a little unsure at first but after a particularly exciting chase round the kitchen, King Charles K9 ran straight at the back door! I felt this was sure to end in tears and may in some way account for his already rather flat nose, but at the last minute he jumped straight at the dog flap which moved out of his way and he ran straight through and into the garden beyond. What is sauce for the goose etc. so I followed without breaking my stride. As the door neared I jumped, and a graceful job it was too, straight at the dog flap. It gave way on impact and I sailed straight through! Well, my head did and so did one shoulder. The rest of me seemed resolutely to refuse to go any further through the dog flap. For that matter it resolutely refused to come back out again either! There I hung, stuck fast in the dog flap and no matter how I fought and struggled I could not go forwards or backwards. The Owner came to my rescue, well he tried to, yet I still was unable to move. Farmer Hoomun and Farmers Wife Hoomun tried, but still I was stuck. They smeared washing up liquid, in an altogether far too familiar fashion for my liking, all about my person which would normally have resulted in an opinion or two. But I just had to stand there, framed by a kitchen door, and accept their attentions. At one point someone suggested calling the fire brigade! Oh the embarrassment that would have caused after weeing on their fire engine wheels the last time our paths crossed. Eventually Farmer Hoomun produced a tool kit and my heart sank in equal measures to the way The Owners face lit up at the sight of someone else’s tool kit which may have had tools that he didn't have. The door was removed.... more soap..... more pulling and pushing. I was becoming very uncomfortable wearing this door and was beginning to look upon the lampshade round the head that Vitnery Hoomun stuck on me once in an altogether kindlier light. The evening got worse! An electric saw was produced which broadened The Owners smile still further and the door was disassembled from around me. The smile has disappeared from The Owners face this morning as he is frantically searching the internet for a replacement door for his friends. He has decided that the builders merchants want to much for one and is now searching for builders reclamation yards and most are getting the same response from him, “How much?? I only want an old one!!!” I suspect we will finish up buying a new one from builders merchants when he is hopeful they may have forgotten his rant about profiteers. For me, I am going to keep well out of the way today and even further from any dog flap!